YOUR KNOWLEDGE-​GOOD ONE

3 Easy Ways to Die :

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.


1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her
   that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2.. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

    Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
    After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :

1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE.

4.. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD... He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman..
   Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
   Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6.. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest..
    They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them..
   Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
  Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
  Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
  Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

7. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life..
   If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

8.. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.

     Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

9. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
    Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
     Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.

What is a 710?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is, click below link.

The Window Through Which We Look

The Window Through Which We Look

A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood
The next morning while they were eating breakfast,
The young woman saw her neighbour hanging the wash outside.

'That laundry is not very clean,' she said.
'She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.'

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see
a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this.'

The husband said, 'I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows.'

And so it is with life.
What we see when watching others depends on the window through which we look...

Tintumon..​.

Dad to Tintumon : When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintumon               : I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad                         : How does that satisfy you?
Tintumon       : I clean it with your tooth brush.   

Dad         : Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon       : No.
Dad         : A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon       : So do u know how 2 swim?
Dad         : For sure!
Tintumon       : Then, what's the difference between u and a dog?

Tintumon called FM radio & said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…


Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" Tintumon finished.


Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"


Prof.: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
Prof.: For Sodium?
Tintumon:NA
Prof.: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium & 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Tintumon:"BANANA"
 
The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.
“There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning,Wouldn’t it be better to hear one at a time?”
Tintumon shouted, “Okay – you start.”
 
Teacher: Imagine u r a millionaire. Write ur life history.
Tintumon didn’t write.
Teacher: why are you not writing?
Tintumon : I’m waiting 4 my secretary 2 take notes….

PASSIVE VOICE
teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
Tintumon: " I was made by a mistake"

Dalai Lama's answer

A question was posed to Dalai Lama:
"What is the thing about humanity that surprises you the most?"

His answer was as follows:

"Man" -Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he doesn't enjoy the present,

And as a result he doesn't live in the present or the future.

And he lives as if he's never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived.”

Mathematic​s.. Brilliant!​!

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly .....  mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Technology​; good one

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and the headlines in the US papers read:
'US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.'
One week later, Daily News papers (Sri Lanka's National Newspaper since 1918) reported the following: 

'After digging as deep as 500 meters, Sri Lankan scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using Bluetooth and Wireless technology.

Last Words......

This is amazing. He died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book ‘The last lecture”, one of the bestsellers in 2007. What a legacy to leave behind… 

In a letter to his wife Jai and his children, Dylan, Logan , and Chloe, he wrote this beautiful "guide to a better life" for his wife and children to follow.  May you be blessed by his insight

POINTS ON HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

Personality:
1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
3. Don't overdo; keep your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/ her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:
15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least three people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.
23. GOD heals everything
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
30. If you know GOD, you will always be happy. So, be happy.

While you practice all of the above, share this knowledge with the people you love.
Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you.

Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them..

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!


Welcome to the 'Stock Market'!

The Pig And The Horse

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed

to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor

had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered

his neighbor until he sold it to him. A month later, the horse became

ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

- Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three

days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're

going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached

the horse and said:

- Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came

back and said:

- Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll

help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:

- Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow.

Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:

- Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come

on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two,

three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more!

Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the

field and began shouting:

- It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!
 

Points for reflection: this often happens in the workplace. Nobody truly knows which employee actually deserves the merit of success, or who's actually contributing the necessary support to make things happen.

LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT RECOGNITION IS A SKILL!

If anyone ever tells you that your work is unprofessional, remember:

amateurs built the Ark and professionals built the Titanic.


DON'T LOOK TO BECOME A PERSON OF SUCCESS, LOOK INSTEAD TO BECOME A

PERSON OF VALUE!

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard (box) was used in cricket in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could also be important ....

A LOVELY MESSAGE

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a
loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was
around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle
open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle
and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen
totally forgot the matter.
The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by
its color and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine
meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother
hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned.
She was terrified how to face her husband.
When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead
child, he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.

QUESTIONS :
1. What were the five words ?
2. What is the implication of this story?
scroll down to read....



ANSWER :

The husband just said  "I am with you Darling"
The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behavior.
The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no
point in finding fault with the mother.
Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would
not have happened.
No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she
needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband.
That is what he gave her.
If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there
would be much fewer problems in the world. "
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Take off all your envies, jealousies,unforgiv eness, selfishness, and
fears . And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you
think.

MORAL OF THE STORY

This story is really worth reading. ..... Sometimes we spend time in
asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship,
in a job or with the people we know. By this way we miss out
something.

Spelling mistake

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to
add 'e'at the end of a word...

"I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish u were her....!

Definitions of Designations

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

10 advantage of not having a boyfriend

1. Save time
2. Can sleep well
3. Don't have to bother about missed calls
4. Don't have to worry about how you look
5. Can eat in any restaurant
6. No boring sms in the middle of night
7. Can talk with all Boys.
8. There won't be any advice
9. Can go anywhere with friends
10. Don't have to listen to same old crap jokes..

Many more...

Smart Indian

An Indian man walks into the New York City bank and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the Loan Officer that he was going to India for some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The Loan Officer tells him that the bank will need
Some form of security for the loan.

So the Indian man hands over the keys and the documents of the new Ferrari car parked on the street in front of the bank.

The loan officer consults the president of the bank,
Produces all the required items and everything check out to be OK.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a security for the loan.

The bank president and the Loan Officer had a good laugh at the Indian
For keeping a $750,000 Ferrari as a security and taking only $5,000 has a loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari
Into the banks underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later the Indian returns and pays $5000 and the interest which comes to it $15.41.

Seeing this, loan officer says,

“ We are very happy to have your business
And this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you are away, we checked you out and
Found out that you were a multi-millionaire.

What puzzled us was why would you bother to borrow $5000?”

The Indian replies

"Where else in the New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks and  
For only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return".


This is a true incident !!!

Mummy, Can I borrow $25?

A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.

SON: 'Mummy, may I ask you a question?'

MUM: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the woman.

SON: 'Mummy, how much do you make an hour?'

MUM: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the woman said angrily.

SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

MUM: 'If you must know, I make $ 50 an hour.'

SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: 'Mummy, may I please borrow $ 25?'

The mother was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolities. ..'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 25 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The woman went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' She asked.

'No Mummy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the woman. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $ 25 you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you Mummy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the mother grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.

'Mummy, I have $ 50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The mother was crushed. She put his arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $ 50 worth of your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. (Very True) But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

New Lady Teacher

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.
As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the
students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said

, " Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after
all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting
a friend. Ok next. "

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues...

and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the
Bathtub. "

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please. "

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl;

Yes you... "

Most beautiful girl of the class:
"Madam, my name is 'Bubble', and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

Teacher Fainted!!! "
                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Father and Son Story

One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train.
Train is about to leave the station.
All passengers are settling down their seat.
As train started young man was filled with lot of joy and
curiosity.
 
He was sitting on the window side.
He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He
shouted, "Papa see all trees are going behind".
 
Old man smile and admired son feelings.
Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all
the conversion between father and son.
 
They were little awkward with the attitude of 25
years old man behaving like a small child.
 
Suddenly young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond
and animals. Clouds are moving with train".
 
Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly.
Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the
young man's hand.
 
He filled with joy and he closed the eyes.
He shouted again," Papa it's raining, water is
touching me, see papa".
 
Couple couldn't help themselves and ask the old man.
"Why don't you visit the Doctor and get treatment for your son."
Old man said,
 
" Yes, We are coming from the hospital as Today
only my son got his eye sight for first time in his life".
 
Moral: "Don't draw conclusions until you know all the facts".

Men VS. Women

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes .

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32 . 50 . None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back .
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators .  

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs .
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale .

BATHROOMS

• A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel . . .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 . A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items .

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument .
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument .

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband .
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife .

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend .
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man .

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't .
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does .

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail .
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals .

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed .
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night .

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children . A woman knows all about her children . She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams .
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house .

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes . There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Naughty Answers!

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
********************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

***********************************

Husband asks:

"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
Information
F ighting
Every-time
Wife replies:

" No,......
It means:
With
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"

*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got a heart attack
&  our driver ran away
**********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident
and confidential?
Dad says:   "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend
over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

8 best moments in life

1@ Giving the 1st salary to ur parents.
2@ Thinking your love with tears.
3@ Looking old photos & smiling.
4@ A sweet & emotional chat with loved ones
5@ Holding hands with your loved ones for a walk.
6@ Getting a hug from one who cares you.
7@ 1st kiss to your child when he /she is born.
8@ The moments when your eyes are filled with tears after a big laugh.

Dedicated to all happily married couples

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th
Marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for
Not having a single conflict in their 25 years of marriage.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find
out the secret of their well known 'blissful marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make
This possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
'We had been to Shimla for our honeymoon. Having decided to go
Horse riding, we both started the ride on different horses. My
horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding
Seemed to be a little wild.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife
Topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she
Patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.
Again she climbed on the horse and continued with the ride.
After a while, it happened again. This time again she calmly
Said, 'This is your second time' and continued.

When the horse
dropped her the third time, she silently took out the revolver
From the purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed
The poor animal. Are you crazy?'
She gave a silent look and said softly :
'This is your first time.'
And we lived happily together since then.

When you love someone, let them know

A true story,.......

One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70, walks into a lawyer's office.
Apparently, they are there to file a divorce.
Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story....

This couple had been quarreling all their 40 over yrs of marriage nothing ever seems to go right.
They hang on because of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing. Now, all their children have already grown up, have their own family, there's nothing else the old couple have to worry about, all they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these years of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agree on a divorce....

Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done, because he felt that after 40 yrs of marriage at the age of 70, he couldnt understand why the old couple would still want a divorce..

While they were signing the papers, the wife told the husband..

"I really love u, but i really cant carry on anymore, I'm sorry.."

"Its o.k, i understand.." said the husband. Lookin at this, the lawyer suggested a dinner together, just 3 of them,wife thought, why not, since they are still gonna be friends..

At the dining table, there was a silence of awkardness.

The first dish was roasted chicken, immediately, the old man took the drumstick for the old lady.."take this, its your favourite.."

Looking at this, the lawyer thought maybe theres still a chance, but the wife was frowning when she answer.."
This is always the problem, you always think so highly of yourself, never thought about how I feel, dont you know that i hate drumsticks?"

Little did she know that, over the years, the husband have been trying all ways to please her, little did she know that drumsticks was the husband's favourite. Little did he know that she never thought he understand her at all, little did he know that she hates drummsticks even though all he wants is the best for her.
That night, both of them couldnt sleep, toss and turn, toss and turn...after hours, the old man couldnt take it anymore, he knows that he still loves her, and he cant carry on life without her, he wants her back, he wants to tell her, he is sorry, he wanted to tell her "i love you"...

He picks up the phone, starting dialing her number....ringing never stops..he never stop dialing....
On the other side, she was sad, she couldn’t understand how come after all these years, he still doesnt understand her at all, she loves him a lot, but she just cant take it anymore....phone's ringing, she refuses to answer knowing that its him..."whats the point of talking now that its over...i have ask for it and now i wanna keep it this way, if not i will lose face.."she thought...still ringing...she have decided to pull out the cord...
Little did she remember, he have heart problems...

The next day, she received news that he had passed away...she rushed down to his apartment, saw his body, lying on the couch still holding on to the phone...he had a heart attack when he was still trying to get through her phone line....

As sad as she could be...she will have to clear his belongings...when she was looking thru the drawers, she saw this insurance policy, dated from the day they got married, with the beneficiary being her... And together in those file, there was this note...

"To my dearest wife, by the time you're reading this, I'm sure I'm no longer around, I bought this policy for you, though the amount is only $100k, I hope it will be able to help me continue my promise that i have made when we got married, I might not be around anymore, I want this amount of money to continue taking care of you, just like the way I will if I could have live longer. I want you to know Iwill always be around, by your side... I love you"

Tears flowed like river......

"When you love someone, let them know... You never know what will happen the next minute.... Learn to build a life together.. Learn to love each other. For who they are.. not what they are..."

Priceless Words (Hilarious) - Especially for you, Guyz!!

PRICELESS WORDS

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. 

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.

Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral : Self-induced hangover - $400.00
Broken crockery - $800.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"

Rhyme ----toooo good...hahahahahahaha

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming:
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot:
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss:
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other:
that is until I met your sister.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you:
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace:
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes :
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away:
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell:
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will
reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for
my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am
out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having
my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our
management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until
I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been
charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each
additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your
computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that
when you return, you can see who did this over and over
and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added
to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place,
and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19
weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.

credit should goes to original author.

A Developer's Song

The Developer's Song for Project Managers and Consultants
(Sing to the tune of Celine Dion's Because You Loved Me)

Because You Told Me

For all the bugs I had to fix
For all those hours spent after six
For all those specs I had to read
For every thing you made me speed
For every change you made me do
For every time you blamed me too
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who worked me up
Never let me go
You're the one who pushed me through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I did everything I did,
Because you told me

You gave me timelines that made me cry
I had no choice but to tell you lies
I lost my mind, you brought it back to me
You said no client was out of reach
You stood by me, I took the fall
I used your plan for toilet roll
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I did everything because you told me to

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I did everything I did,
Because you told me

I did everything I did,
Because you told me...



This one goes to those 'special developers'  - we just want to say 'Adoh'
Adoh! (sung to the tune of 'Hello' by Lionel Richie)

I've been testing this issue
With my mind
And in my dreams you’ve fixed this bug
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my floor
Adoh!

Yes it’s you I’m looking for!
I can see it in your code
I can see it using TOAD
A fix is all I've wanted
But you’ve made the thing implode
Because you should know just what to fix
But you’re up to your old tricks
And I want to tell you so much
PLEASE fix issue 16006

I long to see the CR accepted over there
And I tell you time and time again
How much Tony cares
Sometimes I feel my head will just explode
Aiyo!

This CR has to go
Sometimes I wonder where you are
And I wonder what the hell you do
Are you somewhere feeling crazy?
Or is someone coding for you?
Tell me how to make you work
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying; build CR 222

Love marriage Vs. Arranged marriage :) LOL

Love Marriage

Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to  movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.

It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a  dynamic system and difficult to  maintain.

Family system hangs because  hardware (called parents) is not responding.

You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.

Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking ! food, washing clothes etc.

Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.

Love Marriage is like Windows , beautiful n seductive.... Yet  one never knows when it will crash....

Arranged Marriage

Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The functions are added to supplement  the main program. The functions  can be added or deleted.

Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible

Compatible with hardware  (Parents).

You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they    are responsible for successful   execution of project Married life.

All these features are covered in the SRS as required features.

Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!

Arranged Marriage is like   Unix... boring n colorless...  still extremely reliable n robust.

Send this to your Boss

Hi Boss,


People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes.

People who do less work...
make less mistakes.

People who do no work...
make no mistakes.

People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted.

That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.

Wife VERSUS girlfriend ( thats too funny )

A Wife is like a TV
A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE

At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE
When you have no money, you sell the TV and when you have got money you change your MOBILE

Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your MOBILE
TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old! But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding

TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't

MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)

Most Importantly:
TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILEs often do.

What is needed - a good spanking.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, without intimation. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
 


'ME.'

SARDAR RETURNS (All new)

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court..
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"

Sardar: Miss, u called 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".
(Had never thought of it)

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

USED vs. LOVED

USED vs. LOVED

While a man was polishing his new car,
his 4 yr old son picked up a stone
and scratched lines on the side of the car.
In anger, the man took the child's hand
and hit it many times not realizing
he was using a wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers
due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father.....

with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?'
The man was so hurt and speechless;

he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.
Devastated by his own actions......
sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches;
the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man committed suicide. . .

Anger and Love have no limits;
choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely
life & remember this:

Things are to be used and people are to be loved.

The problem in today's world is
that people are used while things are loved.

Let's try always to keep this thought in mind:
Things are to be used,
People are to be loved.

Smart Wife

Is your wife smart Enough ? Read below:
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart
Your husband
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart

Sardar Ji.... from India

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .                                                               

Sardar was fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined a new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken.
Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you..
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ......
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was the same king's skeleton when he was a child.

The difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.......

Lesson for today --- The difference between COMPLETE & FINISH...
 
People say there is no difference between
COMPLETE & FINISH...
But there is!
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the "right one" catches you with the "wrong one",
you are .....

COMPLETELY FINISHED

Why we say on lifting Telephone 'Hello' ?

When you lift the phone you say Hello....

Do you know what is the real meaning of Hello ?

It is the name of a girl !!!

YES !!!!!!!!!!!

And do you know who is that girl ??
Margaret Hello .....

She was the girlfriend of Graham Bell who invented telephone....

One can forget the name of Graham Bell but not his girlfriend, that is love !!!!!

ARE YOU USING A LAPTOP?

This is not a fun story.

A couple lost their 25 year old son, Arun Gopal Ratnam, in a fire at home on June 4th. The son who had graduated with MBA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison two weeks earlier had come home for a while. He had lunch with his dad at home and decided to go back to clean up his hostel room. His father told him to wait, to meet his mother, before he went back for a few days. Arun decided to take a nap while waiting for his mom to come back home from work.

Sometime later their neighbours called 911 when they saw black smoke coming out of the house. Unfortunately, 25 years old Arun died in the three year old house. It took several days of investigation to find out the cause of the fire. It was determined that the fire was caused by the lap top resting on the bed.

When the lap top was on the bed cooling fan did not get the air to cool the computer and that is what caused the fire. He did not even wake up to get out of the bed because he died of breathing in carbon monoxide.
The reason I am writing this to all of you is that I have seen many of us and also our sons & daughters using the  lap top while in bed and in the Arabic mattress  salon . Let us all decide and make it a practice not to do that. The risk is real. Let us make it a rule not to use the lap top on bed or on the Arabic mattress with blankets and pillows around.

PLEASE EDUCATE AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN